


Ichabod Crane Finds a Fleshlight

by Unpretty



Category: Sleepy Hollow (TV)
Genre: Gen, Inspired by Twitter, fleshlight, pretty much what it says on the tin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-17
Updated: 2013-11-17
Packaged: 2018-01-01 19:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1047643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unpretty/pseuds/Unpretty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The future is terrifying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ichabod Crane Finds a Fleshlight

Ichabod Crane had almost become used to the feeling of rifling through the possessions of a dead man.

Almost.

It still felt a little like desecration, but there were demons to be fought and mysteries to be solved, and Abigail Mills had little time for his apparently antiquated moral code.

"Crane," she called, from just outside the window. "I don't know what I'm looking at out here but I think you'd better come see."

"Coming, lieutenant." Unfortunately, Ichabod hadn't brought his own supplies, and so he found himself searching the room for a flashlight. When he finally found one – buried in a drawer in the man's desk – he briefly felt triumphant. He was finally getting the hang of the future, with its inner nets and electric torches. This particular model seemed to have a cap on it, but that was no trouble...

* * *

Abbie was running before she'd even managed to register that the scream had belonged to Ichabod.

She'd never actually heard him scream before. That was probably a bad sign.

When she kicked open the back door, gun at ready, Ichabod was standing over a burning trash can with a wild look in his eye. "Crane? What happened? Was someone here?"

"These demons have _no_ sense of decency," he spat between his teeth. "There must be one nearby, they must know we're here."

"There's a demon here? You saw a demon?" They weren't supposed to be here, but Abbie turned the light on anyway, not wanting to risk being surprised by things hiding in the shadows. No point maintaining the cover of darkness when Ichabod had already _started a fire_. " _Why_ is that trash can on fire?"

"I found a... _flash light_ ," he explained, still watching the flames as if something might escape from them. "But when I attempted to make use of it, I found that it had been... _transformed_."

"... transformed?" Slowly, Abbie began lowering her gun.

"Where _light_ ought to have been, there was instead... well. I scarcely wish to describe such horrors. Suffice it to say, I am _very_ glad that you are not the one to have seen it. I can only hope that what I saw was an _illusion_ , as the alternative is that someone has _killed_ some poor woman and... dismembered her..." Crane covered his eyes, as if he could not bear to look at Abbie with his new, dark knowledge.

Abbie recalled the boxes she'd found in the victim's bedroom, his phone records and the search history on his laptop – the laptop Detective Jones had refused to touch without _two_ pairs of gloves.

_Oh sweet Jesus Crane found a fleshlight._

She opened her mouth to explain the misunderstanding to Ichabod, but at the look on his face – the look of a man _haunted_ – she closed it again. She tried to imagine how _exactly_ she would explain the concept of a fleshlight to a veteran of the Revolutionary War. She would have to explain the concept of _fake vaginas_. She would have to explain that their victim had used his fake vagina for intercourse. Then she would probably have to explain the concept of sex toys in general. The conversation unwound itself in her head, in horrifying clarity.

_"Surely no decent person would use such a thing."_

_"You cannot mean that women allow such things to exist."_

_"You don't mean that there are also... fake men?"_

_"You have never... you wouldn't... Miss Mills..."_

_NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE_

That conversation was not going to happen. Was _never_ going to happen. She was going to take Captain Irving aside and she was going to explain to him that Ichabod Crane was too precious for this world, and that if she ever had to explain what a dildo was she was going to hold Irving personally responsible.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, Crane," she said finally. "These demons are... really sick. Real sick. That's some messed up stuff. How about we put out that trash can fire and go get some ice cream?"

"Should we not complete our investigation?"

"I think you've probably seen enough."


End file.
